Self-Esteem
October 1, 2007 at 10:29 AM
by Ashleigh
Since I somehow succeeded in lapsing myself back into the eating disorder I haven't had since I was 15 I've been thinking recently about the issues that are tied up in self-esteem.
For me, my little problem is made up of a combination of low self-esteem and control issues. A killer combination.
I'll leave control for another time, and talk for now about how self-esteem issues affect me.
Low self-esteem = lack of boundaries = impulsiveness = shit happens = low self-esteem.
And so it goes on, and on, and on.
So how do you fix it?
When you reach the 'shit happens' stage is probably the best time.
When you're smarting and thinking 'how could I be so frikking stupid?'
The key seems to be to sit back and reflect and think, 'so what happened to get me to this point?'
Then look back and trace the pathway to how you ended up in your current situation step by step.
Maybe write it down on a piece of paper and try to work through how you felt at each step on the way.
Without falling victim to the 'everyone hates me, and I want to die' or 'I'm not good enough' or 'it's because I'm not pretty/nice/clever enough' traps which you've unwittingly laid for yourself on the way.
And that's the hard part.
I've been reading a lot of Christine Kane's work again recently.
A former eating disorder sufferer she has great advice on how to work yourself back into a position of self-trust and how to actually listen to yourself.
Now let's see if I can listen to my own advice and beat this thing right back to where it belongs.
Comments
Self-esteem is such a difficult thing to work on, since it very much depends on others. They need to be a mirror..telling you that you are indeed an amazing individual. You can do it yourself too though...just takes more work ;) Starting is the biggest step.
HUGS to you...eating disorders (any coping disorder) is hard to get over.
Ash, I am sorry to hear about your disorder. I for one understand what it's like to have issues around food - for some reason, however I am feeling about myself manifests itself in how (much) I eat. What I am trying to do on a daily basis is love the body I have, not hate it for not being the body I imagine I should have. It's not particularly easy to do, but I am slowly learning not to be so tough on myself.
I wish you lots of luck on your journey. I took a look at Christine Kane's site and it seems really interesting. Take this as a big virtual hug from me.
Such courage to share that problem here--it's a common one among women. Peace as you navigate the process of interrupting this harmful cycle in your life.
Hi Ash
Sorry to hear how you are feeling - I am right there with you. Self Esteem and Self Worth are big issues with me. Also confidence, sensitivity the list could go on.
I am slowly working through lots of stuff, thanks to a great GP and a hypnotherapist. Listening to your self is a real key issue - they have asked me at the end of the day just right down everything youw ant to into a book, feelings, frustrations, drawings anything that feels like you are emptying your head. It is slowly starting to work for me, though if anyone read it back would think I had completely lost the plot.
Hope things get better for you soon.
Jo
Hey Ash! Sounds like you are on the right path, sorting through the mystery that is oneself. Self-esteem ... our best friend, our worse enemy.... Thinking of you!
Sorry to hear that you've not been feeling so hot. Self Esteem is something I've battled with on and off for most of my life! And it directly related to my ED.
*hugs*
Ash, thank you for talking about this. I think this is something most women struggle with, but very few people actually want to talk about it. I can't tell you how many times I've looked for comfort in others only to hear, "Stop it. You are being crazy. You aren't even fat."
Not helpful.
I wish I was there to give you a hug.
I do know that in order to keep to my diet I have to make sure I look nice. When I feel good (nice make up, jewelry, dressed smartly) it is much easier to do the right thing. When I'm tired and just put on the joggingpants and a sweatshirt I will fall back into bad habits much more easily.
I recently watched a program about the laws of attraction .ie you attract what you think.
I am trying really hard to attract positive outcomes for my life and that of my two boys.Low self esteem/confidence in one self always brings out the negative and this is the hardest thing to overcome. each morning as i wake I am thankful for all the good things in my life and that way begin the day positive. It is working and although there are still time when i dip down a bit i remember my good things. Keep going Ash there are so many wonderful things in our lives and they are there because we are good wonderful people. Who deserve every little bit.
*hugs*
From what I can see you are positively blossoming recently. You look and sound GREAT. I know it is a long and hard road, that many of us struggle along, but make a concious decision NOT to punish or hate yourself if you make a bad choice. Simply move forward again.
Life is too short to spend most of it i self loathing.
I don't myself through eating or exercise or lack thereof any more. I try to be kind and gentle to myself and act accordingly.
I don't always get it right but there does seem to be more balance to this approach.
Keep up the good work it's really showing!
Ash, I totally relate. My ED has crept up again, not 100% in the physical behaviors, but definitely 110% present in the thoughts and impulses that drive me to become obsessive about food.
It is sobering to see that, after 8 years of disordered eating and putting myself through absolute hell, then a good solid round of therapy where I thought I'd sorted things out and moved on, these issues still have power over me if I am not careful.
I realize that I will be in recovery for life, much like any other addictive dis-ease. Unfortunately one can't completely avoid food, as is possible with cigarettes or heroin, but we can certainly be mindful of what our relationship with food is like.
Hang in there, keep self-exploring, and I shall do the same. :)
Oh my, an eating disorder. That does not sound good. I wish you lots of strength!
Girl, you SO can beat it! You have before and you will again!
Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Take some time out to lavish care on yourself. Hugs.
Good luck Ash and thanks for that link to Christine Kane's blog. Her list is incredibly useful for an objective look at yourself - I'm going to print it out and read it whenever I feel the urge to self-pity.
October 1, 2007 3:07 PM