J is for Juliet
September 1, 2007 at 9:02 AM
by Ashleigh
Juliet was my nanny when I was a little girl. She left to go and live on a different farm when I was about 4 or 5. After that we had Kuma, who was never really my nanny, but more my brother's.
I went to school at 5 so I suppose I didn't really need a nanny after that.
Anyway, back to Juliet, or Juju.
The nanny's job was basically to play with the kids, keep us clean and tidy, bring us in for meals, feed us, bath us. I suppose it was a pretty nice job for her and I can remember Juliet was always very loving and patient with me.
I wish I could be more like her in the way I deal with my own kids.
My one overwhelming memory of Juliet is of her coming up to the house one Sunday afternoon, her head gaping open from a headwound and her face covered in blood. Her husband had taken a brick to the side of her head. I think my mom must have driven her to the hospital to get it stitched up. I was inconsolable. Terrible memory to have.
Funny thing is, I wonder if having a nanny as a child sets you up for failure as an adult?
You know, you have this person who is paid to be nice to you. They have to cater to your every whim, take whatever naughtiness you throw at them without smacking you, and deal with your obnoxious side uncomplainingly.
Perhaps later in life we expect the same thing and become disappointed when we don't have it?
I can't remember if or how Juju disciplined me, but because she was Shona, and Shona culture dictates that children do not get disciplined at all, I'm sure that I ran rough-shod over her.
I was a strong-willed child.
I also wonder how having a nanny when you're a child prepares you for motherhood.
The impatience of a 24/7 mom with two small children in a tiny space doesn't compare favourably with the saintly demeanour of a nanny who is going to get off work later!
What do you think?
Comments
You wrote... "The impatience of a 24/7 mom with two children in a tiny space doesn't compare favorably with the saintly demeanor of a nanny who is going to get off work later!"
This sentence really gave me a good chuckle. As a school teacher who isn't a mother, I have the benefit of having a classroom of kiddies all to myself during school hours - all of whom I adore working with.
However, at the end of the school day, when they get restless and start testing mine and each others' patience, I must admit, I am happy that I get to send them home to their parents, and I can escape to my home for a bit of peace and solitude.
You wonder what it does to you as an adult? I wonder sometimes at what it does to a parent. I have friends who have/had a nanny or au pair for their children. And this makes me wonder what that does to you as a parent.
I never had this experience, they are always my responsibility, heck, they never even went to day care or BSO. So, how does that make you feel?
You always have a way out, either when you are tired or grumpy, or when the kids are. How is your relationship with the kids? Does it make you feel less mommy more you? Do you miss it? Do you even know what you miss? Do you get to know your kids as well as the nanny does?
Just my thoughts...
She wasn't responsible for bringing you up, but you *are* responsible for bringing your kids up. She didn't have work and own interests interfering with her care for you, whilst most mums have to do homework, pursue their own development, have work, do volonteer duties, etc.
In other words: you can't compare. And it definately doesn't mean that you can expect yourself to be as patient and dedicated :)
Wether it is good for kids or parents: I think all people are differend and that includes kids. There is no situation that is perfect for everybody and all solutions have their own advantages and disadvantages.
I usually compare myself (or my situation) to all the advantages of all kinds of solutions in my environment, which weirdly enough makes me feel less competent ;)
I think having a nanny (or a maid, for that matter, the other mainstay of so many non-European and non-American cultures) does definitely have an effect on how you are as an adult and a parent.
In my opinion, it opens the door for laziness and a lack of respect and responsibility. Not that having household help means these tendencies will come about, it simply sets the stage for it to be much easier.
You have someone to do all your dirty work, so to speak. It becomes easy not to do it yourself, and to forget what it means to have that responsibility as part of your life.
The key, I think, is how you deal with it. It is up to parents to enforce discipline even if there is a permissive, ever-tolerant nanny in the picture. It is up to them to teach good manners and prepare their children for being self-sufficient adults. Just as it is up to anyone that has a maid to actively avoid falling into the laziness trap. Just because someone is there to pick up after you doesn't mean you don't have to lift a finger.
Excuse my mini-rant. This is a subject I've done a LOT of thinking about, as someone raised in the US where the culture is quite different, and married to a brazilian who was raised in very different circumstances, and who finds herself at a point where decisions about how children will be raised will need to be made at some point in the relatively near future.
I like reading about you this way!
Sometimes when we actually meet and talk with each other, I have a hard time communicating about things I want to talk about, and I end up sending you an email instead. Part of it is the kind of people you and I both are, but mostly it's just all the distractions and lack of time. Email often just works better.
At the same time I also want to listen to you and learn more about the kind of person you are. For pretty much the same reasons, this would never happen in person. We wouldn't for example sit down on the couch, go through your pictures and talk about your childhood.
This is a really nice way to make use of a blog. It lets me and others learn a lot more about you than we would otherwise. I hope you find a way of saving a copy of what you write, so you can show it to your kids when they are older and understand it better.
Hi,
I also had a nanny when I was younger...well, actually, my parents had a nanny, a maid, a cook and a gardener. they also got me tutors for homework when I started school. It was just part of the way they and their peers lived where I grew up...
I don't have any of this help right now but have been considering it as I just had little girl recently and it can sometimes be overwhelming. I always thought of it as giving your dirty work to other people but recent conversations are leading me down the path of thinking that it makes sense to do the work I'm here to do and let others help me with the rest.
I don't know the answer to whether it does make you lazy as a grown up...I know I do have respect for others and take responsibility for my life, but that said, I have never liked doing housework! (Does anyone? Isn't that why it's called work and better then that you're paid to do it?) I must say though, my nanny and maid were always a lot tougher than my parents so that may have something to do with it..
I never had a nanny but you may be right...it does give you more 'freedom' to just be and not having someone worry about what your actions will cause later on in life. mmm...something to think about
September 1, 2007 3:53 PM