On optimism
March 5, 2007 at 11:20 AM
by Ashleigh
The Husband said to me this morning, 'do you think you will lose readers because of what you posted last night?' and my initial, kneejerk reaction was, 'of course not, this is who I am!' but then I thought about it a bit longer and yes, maybe I will.
Maybe people don't want to know that much about another person.
You know, outside of Cosmopolitan magazine, etc.
But the truth of it is that we all have history, good and bad, and all you have to do is ask about it to find out.
I have a receptive face, or maybe I just listen well, but I get to hear a lot of people's history.
People share stuff with me. Being a person that other people feel obliged to tell their lives to, makes you realise that people really do have astonishing lives.
What's more interesting than actually hearing about the accusations of murder, the abuse, the terrible lost childhoods, the unloving parents, the runaway teens, the escaping their countries with refugee status, the divorces, etc, is watching how people have responded to the events in their lives.
Some of them falter, others emerge stronger.
It puzzles me.
I think it has a lot to do with one's perceived versions of life.
Suse at Pea Soup has a post up about version #1 and version #2 of life. It's pretty interesting, especially in the context of the internet.
After all, we're spreading our perceptions of our lives through the world, just by typing them in and hitting 'publish'.
It's more irrevocable than it's ever been, especially if you're the kind of person (I am) who thinks that once you voice something it becomes part of who you are.
On the one hand, I'd love to have a 'happy happy kissy kissy*' life, and especially to portray my life as that, because there's enough strife, trouble, angst, blah blah, in the world without every writer having to go on and on about it at length.
I want my boys to have a childhood that they can remember as an oasis of peace, love and fun, in an otherwise world.
At the same time I want them to become adults with the capacity to understand that life is sometimes not fun, and when it's not fun, they need to know how to deal with it.
If I present an edited view of my life and they read this, years later, will it ring true? Or will they say 'god, mom was insane, it wasn't like that at all!'
I love reading writing that presents a perfect view of the world, and I love that it doesn't show the nitty gritty of life, yet at the same time I feel like 'wow, how come my life isn' t like that?'
It's almost like advertising - see the girl in white on that beautiful sailboat, well, if you buy this perfume, that could be you.
Except on the internet, we aren't advertising anything except our own lifestyles. So we have to assume that life really is like that for some people.
Which brings us back to the 'wow, how come my life isn't like that?'
I also read work where life is described as it really is.
The downs, the crying and whining and shouting of a home filled with young children, the constant to and fro-ing, the stress of stay-at-home versus working-mom, trying to deal with buckets of vomit, teething, etc.
And the ups, holidays, festivals, achievements, having fun with the kids, the things they say, photos of the stuff they do and make, joy in day to day life before it flashes away.
All of these things hopefully in equal quantity.
This resonates more clearly with who I am.
Of course, there's always the 'whine whine whine' territory, where, unless you are a particularly gifted writer, the only person you'll be whining to is yourself. Although I feel sorry for people who truly have a miserable life, I still can't help thinking 'hey, get over it already and switch over to version #1 for a bit!'
It's a bit like sharing a box of Quality Street (no Forrest Gump references intended!) sometimes you get the purple chocolate. Sometimes you don't .
The trick is to accept that sometimes you don't. Sometimes you just have to accept the toffee graciously and just get on with it.
I wish I knew what the factor is that makes us actually decide that we can accept, and even grow to like the toffee, rather than feeling miserable about the fact that we didn't get the purple sweet?
I wish that, if I knew what the factor was, I could instill it in my children right now, and hopefully save them misery later in life.
It's a pretty complicated subject.
* This is a reference to something Joe does. He has this thing where he says 'kissy kissy' and then I have to give him a big kiss. Once we were crossing a street and he wanted to 'kissy kissy' just as the light changed.So I said 'there's no time for kissy kissy in the middle of the street'. Obviously there was some kind of mommy-tone involved because now, every time kissy kissy is mentioned both kids repeat that sentence, with perfection intonation, and roll around in laughter.
And of course, I cringe, because a responsible mommy would have said 'that's ok, we can kissy kissy and we'll just cross the road in 20 minutes when the light changes again'. Or maybe not ...
Comments
Hi. Saw your remark about comments in the side bar and didn't want to leave without saying, well -
Hi. ;-)
Love you blog. Love your open and honest style of writing. Looks like we have kids in the same age range, too. I'll be visiting every once in a while... 'k?
:-)
I think it's human nature to self-edit a bit when we put stuff out there on the net, if only to not sound like you're whining all the time. I always feel guilty after I post something negative. But as you said, life isn't all happy, smiley all the time. I think it takes a strong person to write the bad along side the good. I also think writing the bad stuff helps you deal with it and move on... blogging therapy you might say.
Thanks for the link - I enjoyed reading Suse's 2 versions of her weekend.
I don't tend to put much personal stuff out there, I must admit and on the odd occasion that I do, I feel very exposed and vulnerable. I tend to hide behind my stitching and play it safe - too worried about what other people might think of me, I'm afraid.
I'll still be reading here too and I'd love to read the Version #2 of Seb's birthday party if you ever feel inclined to write it...
That was a very honest post of yours - both the weird things and the one after. Personally I like a bit of honesty and I like to know a bit about the bloggers that I read regularly. It makes them more human. I want to see more than the perfect blog life they lead cos I know I don't lead a perfect blog life at all. Everytime I blog my natural tendency is to make it more personal because that's the way I am. But I hold back. I notice that the longer I keep at it the more of myself I want to reveal. I also notice that I prefer blogs where you see the real person. There are a couple of blogs (very popular) where you don't know anything about the people but you just see all the wonderful things they create. They don't appeal to me. God I'm going on - sorry. Anyway, I admire you for posting the most interesting weird things - everyone's were pretty tame (mine included).
Everyone has their own take on life - and we/others should percieve it.
I love reading your blog and if people stop reading because all you ahve done is open up and share what your life has been like then that is their loss.
I worry about writing negatives in my blog but sometimes it feels that someone has taken all the positives away or at least hidden them until you have dealt with all the negatives!
Anyway, enough - keep up the excellent blogging. If I keep at blogging, I hope I have as many people wanting to read my blog as you do.
I have a plea/posting suggestion. What sorts of things did you eat as a child in Zimbabwe? I grew up there, but with American parents and I can't for the life of me really remember what I ate. Help me get over my amnesia.
As you know I prefer real and interesting and varied posts to a glossed over superficial portrayal or one sided view of a person...
I love these unexpected posts, and it's interesting to find out new things about someone.
Jane
Won't lose me. You have had an interesting life and it has made you who you are- why should you hide it? I think you should write whatever you are comfortable with.
Sometimes a responsible mom has to say ,I love you but we have to cross the street now. That is real life. Great that your kids have a good sense of humor about it.
March 5, 2007 11:33 AM