My dad and I
June 18, 2006 at 4:17 PM
by Ashleigh
I've been reading all the other stuff out on the internet today about the relationships that other people my age seem to have with their dads, and feeling a little angsty and miserable because I don't have any kind of relationship with my dad at all.
I mean, he's there, and I'm here and that's pretty much how its always been.
When I was little I was 'Daddy's Little Girl'. I can remember him painstakingly removing thorns from my feet with tweezers in the evenings; riding in the Land-Rover with him, visiting the 'lands', getting fed big plates of chips at the Sinoia Hotel ...
But somewhere around the age of 6 or 7 I started to resent my dad for our family problems. I wanted him to fix them and I grew more and more rebellious as I realised he wasn't going to.
I couldn't get why he 'allowed' my mom to drink, why he didn't assert more control, why he bugged her until she lost control of her temper (and herself), and why he left us with her when she was in one of her 'binge' periods.
The more mom drank in protest at the path her life was taking her along, the more my dad complained and the less he did anything, seemingly paralysed by lack of momentum.
I became his confidante; he complained to me about how mom embarrassed him, how things would be different if she didn't drink and how he would really 'love her if she didn't drink'.
On the flipside, I saw how my mom was just grasping for affection all the time and how little she received. How she struggled with the isolation of living on a remote rural farm during a civil war. How being far away from her family ate away at her.
The age gap between my parents, 15 years, and the huge generation gap left her lonely and unfulfilled.
He and mom got married when she was 19 and he was 34. That's quite a gap, and even more so when you consider he was an un-hip guy who grew up in the fifties and my mom was a child of the swinging sixties.
My dad had been married before he met my mom and had a teenaged daughter only seven years younger than my mom. There was potential conflict at almost every turn in their relationship.
I have their wedding photo, from 1972, in the hallway here and I can't help but look at my mom's face then and how it was when I was growing up, and remember how the optimism and joy gradually left her.
My dad, conversely, looks the same then as he does now. He's always been able to put on a show for the public.
My parents got divorced 11 years ago and my mom has her joy back again. She's sober, happy and runs her own, successful B&B in Harare, Zimbabwe with her sister and her aunt.
My dad lives alone.
And you, if you're a dad, don't let the most memorable thing about you be that you didn't care enough for your children's mother.
Comments
quote "And you, if you're a dad, don't let the most memorable thing about you be that you didn't care enough for your children's mother"
So true Ashleigh..those are powerful words you spoke.
I second what Connie said. I have so many memories of times my Dad grabbing Mom for a big hug and saying, "I found you girls the best Mom in all the world." She's been gone now a year and a half and altho he misses her terribly, he has the wonderful memories to comfort him. And today was her birthday, so they have both been on my mind. :)
You know, of all the mistakes we can make in life, marrying the wrong person seems the worst because it casts such a long shadow and affects so many people.
Sorry that there are so many painful memories, glad that you're in a good place now.
June 19, 2006 10:31 PM