Give me a child ...
October 5, 2005 at 10:06 AM
by Ashleigh
Brad and I have been watching the Up series. It's absolutely fascinating and we are riveted to our tv. For anyone unfamiliar it chronicles the lives of 20 children from the time they are 7, in 1963, every seven years until their death. We are at 42 Up now and, although this series appears to be a precursor to reality tv, its really more an experiment that challenges our preconceptions of how people grow up. I urge you to watch this!
At its best it engages you as the viewer in the rollercoaster ride that makes up these individual's lives and it encourages you to question your own initiatives in bringing up your own children. At the least its like looking through a window into someone else's life.
What was especially valid for me was the amount of impact that drive and determination can make in a child's life and how some children, despite what we would perceive as coming from a disadvantaged background, have the determination to succeed and even to excel. Another theme that runs through the program is the effect that a stable family life has on the formation of a personality. As adults we seem to crave the things we didn't have as children - I know for me this was a stable family life and a conducive school environment. I was fortunate enough to have a good education, but didn't have the determination to see it through once I reached adulthood.
Watching this series has underlined for me that the most important role I can play in my children's life is to give them a stable background, a loving home, and the abilities to go on and make the most of their lives in whichever field they choose to follow. After that its up to them.
On an associated note, an excerpt follows of a post I wrote in response to questions about ethno bullying on a discussion board that I frequent:
Ok, my point of view (having grown up in a white school in a racially divided country with one uber-racist parent) is that your upbringing, though influencing your future does not ultimately determine how you will behave later in life.My son is in basisschool and I have never seen the teachers behave with anything other than compassion and kindness to the children, of which the race ratio is probably 60% allochtone (non native dutch - immigrant) to 40% native dutch. The teachers are *all* native Dutch.
Children are cruel, and they band together and produce some of the most amazingly politically incorrect stuff sometimes and this is regardless of what their upbringing at home is like.
Take for eg that the latest game at my son's school is 'Ik zal jou dood maken' (I'm going to kill you) where the little boys play out various death causing actions and then the other kid has to act dead. My kids watch *NO* violent tv, we have never talked about death, except in an abstract sense and once or twice when seeing a dead bird or something, but these forms of play, which seem horrendous to me as an adult, are obviously serving some purpose amongst them.
I would imagine that sometimes 'race-related' play would have the same reason behind it. Remember playing cowboys and indians and how the bigger more popular kids were always the cowboys and the fat little kids (like I was) were always the indians???
Children do need to come to terms with the differences between themselves and others and unless there is actual torment going on perhaps its better to let them get on with it. The most we can provide is guidance and clarity as to what is right and what's not.
Unfortunately, that's the most the teachers can do too - so don't tar all the teachers with the same brush!
The other point is that its hard to define when the teasing becomes tormenting. Some parents laugh off bullying as 'horsing around' whereas others take it terribly seriously. The temperament of the child has an awful lot to do with it. I have one outgoing confident child who, though very sensitive, is so keen to please that he will ignore pretty much anything; and one shy child who reacts badly to being pushed and is inclined to hit back and make a fuss. So that's something to consider too.
Lastly, in terms of bullying at school - maybe your child is in the wrong school. If your child is the product of a two expat family and you are trying to integrate her into Dutch society don't send her to an all-Dutch school where she is the only 'foreigner'. Obviously it will be worse!