Ash in Amsterdam

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So guys...

After thinking about this for the last month and trying to weigh up my situation I've decided to suspend my blog for a while.

I've started work and there is a confidentiality agreement in place so I suddenly feel tongue-tied in writing about my life.

Especially as I spend 8 hours of it every day in the office.

There are also some things in my personal life that are just not going as well as they could be right now.

I'm finding it difficult to give enough attention to everything at home, work, kids and sport and get these 'personal life wrinkles' ironed out without trying to keep up my blog as well.

Then there's that little eating disorder which is becoming more of a problem that I would like to believe.

I want to concentrate on my real writing, and my real life for a while.

Especially the real life part.

So, anyway, cutting a long story short, thanks for reading with me!

It's been fun!

Maybe we'll do it again sometime.

Autumn is beautiful this year.

We had a week of sunlight and dappled shadow, and leaves blowing and magical moments.

Now it's over.

There's something about the grey though.

The colours stand out more and the promise of the sky exploding into sunlight seems to lie just behind the clouds.

I feel uncharacteristically contemplative today.

It's my last week with my kids at home, it's autumn vacation. I'm going to stop being a stay-at-home mommy and become... I don't know? Something else? A militant feminist working mom?

The world is turning.

Ever feel as though you stand on a cross-roads and you can take any one of four directions, but once you make the choice your path is irrevocably chosen and you can't step off it?

Looking back at my life there have been several instances where I've stood at the junction of the rest of my life.

Previously I'd dived into my choices and thought 'I've done this. I can't go back'.

Now I stand, rather hesitantly, with one foot on one path, the other on another and I wonder which way to go.

I'd like to ask for directions, but like most things the more information you have the more confusing the choices become.

Ooh, how deep of me! I'll stop now.

Go and look at my photos of our day in the Bos on Monday.

Go on, go!

I've been running, and running and running.

Literally, figuratively and actually.

Work starts in a week.

I have been running to get my wardrobe complete before I start work.

Chichi little blouses, suit jackets, trousers, tights, skirts, shoes, boots, accessories.

Running to shop, shopping on the run.

Then I've been running to get all my stuff done in my last week of freedom.

Running to meet my friends, running to have lunch, running to have a good time while I still can.

Running to take the kids to try out their daycare. Running to get them to their sports while I still can.

Run run run.

Running to keep up with school, exams, PTA, friends, enjoying my life.

Run girl run!

Then I've been running to run. Running because I can. Running because my heel is healed and I can push my limits.

5 km yesterday and OH MY GOD!

It felt good. It feels good.

This little baby helps me run.

Thanks to my guys at home, this was a great gift!

Charlotte wrote an interesting piece on her blog about her writing strengths.

An interesting and far more logically put together piece of work than I could produce, but then we all write differently, right?

Here are mine:

1. I write like I talk.

Fast, non-stop, no editing, as much information as possible in as short a time as possible.

Lots of mixed metaphor, grammatical errors, languages interspersed with each other.

This is an advantage and a disadvantage.

Sometimes it comes easily and I write and it just flows.

Other times it seems to stagnate and I start to edit myself and I lose my voice.

2. I write what I know.

I think this ties into the 'stranger than fiction' bit of Charlotte's five strengths.

People are endlessly fascinating. All you have to do is listen to them and you have a wealth of material. The things that happen to some people are things you wouldn't believe.

Even if they happened in the movies where no-one ever goes to the toilet and even Tom Cruise is tall.

3. I have little patience with my work.

I'm not going to edit, reedit, mess around, fiddle, arse endlessly with the thing because it's not right.

For me that path leads to certain doom and chewing of pencils, throwing of things at the computer and a lifetime spent playing around on MSN instead of actually working.

So, to steal a phrase, I just do it.

4. On paper/screen I am free to be.

I am more superficial in the flesh. Always smiling, charming, helping, being a A type personality.

On paper I can be more bitchy, more emotional, less 'verkrampt'.

I've been seeing a therapist and only now, in session 4, does she get to see the 'real' me.

You, on the other hand are more unfortunate.

This is the real me!

5. I can set a scene.

Not as well as some other people and sometimes points 1 & 2 above get in the way. I mean, how do you describe a steamy sex scene in the front seat of a car when you haven't actually done that in the last 15 years?

How do you pull up every lusty thought you ever had and encapsulate it into the front seat of a car and then describe it without needing a cold shower?

How do you describe a murder?

How do you pull all the murderous thoughts you ever had about the little old lady in your building who is consistently rude to you and never holds the lift when you come running with armfuls of groceries?

And then, you need to apply those thoughts and feelings to a imaginary character in a book you're writing where you still don't know what the characters are actually doing.

How do you do this?

With difficulty.

I suppose this is where imagination comes into play.

Hopefully not every author goes out and experiences everything they write about otherwise the world would be rampant with serial killers, rapists, murderers, illicit love affairs, sordid breakups ...

Wait a minute.

Isn't it?

It's all those writers going wild and getting material for their work!

Charlotte, I knew it was you! All that gadding about in Berlin!

Other writers I'd like to ask to play along, because I know you guys are out there doing naughty things so you can write about them:

Mr Smooth-talking Penis at Citizen of the Month
Ms Blonde but Bright
Mr Invading Holland

Oh, and PS. I got the job. I start 22 october. I would love love love to talk about it here, but Church and State must be kept apart. I would not like to be dooced before actually even starting work.

Oh, and PPS. It's autumn and it's pretty outside! Go outside. Come on, go. Yes you. GO!

Oh, and last PPS. I have no photos for this post. So go look at my Blogfather's* gorgeous photos of his trip to Wales.

* My Blogfather because he hosts this impressive load of bullshit on his server.